New(ish) Year, New Perspective: Be Like Betty

Dear Diary,

I woke up this morning feeling a little blah. I realize that it is still relatively early in 2022 and we “should” be feeling hopeful, motivated and inspired. I HAVE felt all of those things at some point over the last few of months, but today it just wasn’t in me. I don’t know if the blah feelings resulted from disappointment because I slept through my alarm (again) instead of getting up to work out as I had planned (New Years resolution fail) or if it’s because I was scrolling through social media last night before bed (bad idea) and went to sleep feeling unsuccessful and old lol. We all know that apps like Facebook and IG consist of a lot of “smoke and mirrors” and humble bragging. However, despite knowing this fact, that joy thief named “comparison” often rears its ugly head when I am scanning my newsfeed late at night.

After I left work to stay home full time, I often worried that I was somehow falling behind. Behind in my career, behind in goals that I had set for myself, behind in…life. Even though I was a new mom, I was not a young mom and it felt as if time was slipping through my fingers like water with each month that passed. I’ll go into all of the specific reasons behind why I had to stay out of work in another post, but the decision was multifactorial and not only related to my daughter’s birth. Nonetheless, after I hit “pause” on my career, I would see friends and colleagues on social media celebrating promotions, awards and successful new business ventures. I genuinely felt thrilled for them, but I also experienced pangs of inadequacy, anxiety…and yes, jealousy. I would catch myself thinking, “Gosh, look at what everyone else is accomplishing and all I am doing is sitting at home with my child.”

You see, being a SAHM is essentially a thankless job, but it IS a job, and I didn’t fully understand until I became one. The work is exhausting, repetitive, endless and IMPORTANT (the most important), but there is little to no recognition and there are no awards. My feelings around the whole situation were and are complicated. I truly felt blessed to be home with my daughter, but I also missed things about my career such as taking care of my patients, collaborating with my work friends/colleagues (aka adult conversation haha), making my own money and accomplishing objectives I had set for myself. I genuinely put every ounce of my energy into my child, but I didn’t really leave space for myself. Honestly, I felt a little lost – especially during the first year of her life when her sleep was unpredictable, and everything seemed hard. When I was in the thick of it, my perspective was skewed and I was not always able to appreciate that rearing, protecting, teaching and nurturing a whole human being is actually an enormous accomplishment. It is everything.

Thankfully, I am able to look back and see that being completely present and caring for my daughter during her formative years was more valuable to me than any other “work” I could have been doing. She and I have an incredibly close bond and she is more precious to me than anything in the world. My mom was right when she told me that “kids are only little for a little while” and I’m thankful that I got to experience so much of it. I also understand that I was privileged to even be able to stay home with my daughter (especially during the beginning of the pandemic) while my husband worked. And just to be clear – even though I talk about how challenging being a SAHM is/was, doesn’t mean I’m not grateful. I think it’s okay to have more than one emotion about a situation. Hopefully someone gets it 🙂

Upon reentering a world of working outside of the home, I agreed to part time work because my child is still very young and that is what works best for our family. However, even though I am working again, I still find myself playing the comparison game, but now I also have guilt! Mom guilt and work guilt. As a result, two questions are on constant rotation in my mind:

1. Am I doing enough? Enough for my family, at work and just in general.

2. Is it too late for me (to try and attain some of my loftier goals)?

I try to remind myself that as long as I am doing my very best, then that is enough. My family is loved and cared for? Check. My patients are taken care of? Check. I have always been a competitive person, but ultimately, I just need to focus on “running my own race.” This has proven to be quite difficult in a world where social media reigns and we have instant and constant access to the intimacies and intricacies of people’s lives. It’s just not healthy and it is part of the reason why I take random social media breaks. A friend of mine also suggested that I mute or hide accounts that make me feel unhappy, inadequate or question my own awesomeness. Instead, she says I should focus on accounts or pages that bring me joy, uplift deserving individuals or simply help me remember what is truly important in life. I am doing enough. WE are doing enough. I think it’s good advice.

The question of whether or not it’s too late for me to pursue some of my more ambitious pursuits likes to come find me at night when I am lying in bed. It also made regular appearances in my brain when I was a SAHM and I worried that time was passing me by. Is it too late for me? Am I too old?

Oddly enough, while I was grappling with all of these “blah” feelings this morning, I happened upon a random article about actress Betty White. My husband had bought the People Magazine featuring her on the cover celebrating her 100th birthday and it was laying untouched on my bedside table. The issue was published right after she passed, and he felt I might want it as a keepsake since I am a fan. Until today, I truly did not know much about her other than her starring roles on The Mary Tyler Moore Show and The Golden Girls. Mary Tyler Moore was a little bit before my time. However, any mention of The Golden Girls – simply hearing the theme song, seeing pictures of their sherbet-colored living room, pink bakery boxes filled with cheesecake and polyester pantsuits – immediately transports me back to the late 1980s and watching TV on Saturday nights with my family. Remember when sitcoms actually aired on the weekends? Anyway, I digress. Today, I actually took some time to learn more about her and after I read the article detailing the trajectory of her life, I felt incredibly inspired…and encouraged…and less old lol.

Betty White’s career spanned DECADES (50+ years) and she continually reinvented herself, made pivots and tried new experiences throughout! One part about her life that struck me is that Betty met her THIRD and most beloved husband when she was 41 years old (whoop!). They were married for 18 years and he passed away in 1981 when she was 59 years old. Some people may feel 59 is close to retirement, but not this lady. She continued to work, hosting, appearing on game shows and had recurring roles on some beloved sitcoms. She then landed The Golden Girls (probably her most iconic role imo) in 1985 at the age of 63!

Now, I was born in 1982 and I grew up loving Betty White, but like I said, I mainly knew her from the Golden Girls. I didn’t truly discover ALL of the other things she had done pre 1980s until…er now. She had a vast and varied career prior to the 1980s and she essentially had a WHOLE SECOND CAREER over the span of my entire life, and she was fantastic. After The Golden Girls, she made countless award winning guest appearances on hit shows and starred in movies like The Proposal (age 87!!) with Sandra Bullock where she stole every scene 😂 and also the sitcom Hot in Cleveland in 2010 (age 88!!).

Obviously, I am not really writing this post to provide a history lesson on Betty White. I write all of this because I have dreams and aspirations that I have yet to fulfill. However, today I woke up feeling disheartened and I thought that perhaps someone else could be feeling the same way. Perhaps, like me, someone has experienced a delay or setback in his/her career and feels discouraged or worries that too much time has passed. Perhaps, like me, there is a mama who’s children have reached school age and she is ready to explore opportunities outside of the home. I want to tell you (and myself) to…be like Betty. Maybe you have a fear that other people will laugh or think you’re ridiculous if you put yourself out there and starting a completely different career or an unexpected side gig. I had (still kinda have) that fear about starting this blog. But, you know what? I just had to try to stop caring and push past the fear. And that’s what we must do when negative thoughts pop up or comparing ourselves to others gives us pause: persevere anyway. Those of us who are believers may also turn to our faith when feeling anxious, fearful or dispirited. I often think of Jeremiah 29:11 and find it comforting. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I try to remind myself to trust in His promise and move forward with peace.

Life will go on and time will pass regardless of whether we make a move towards our goals or not. If we don’t at least try to attain whatever it is that we want, then a year from now we will still be in the same position, but filled with more regret. So, think of someone like Betty when doubt creeps in and remind yourself that it’s NEVER too late to try something new, something different or make a positive change in your life. We don’t have to let dreams go or feel like too much time has passed to pursue a passion. I’m not too old. None of us are. As long as I have breath in my body and God on my side I will keep trying. Now, I may not live to be 100 and that’s okay. But I am going to do a better job about taking care of myself – mentally and physically – so that I can live WELL as long as possible. 

That is my mission and my prayer 🙏🏽

– Chelle